Coping with chronic pain and dealing with life is really exhausting . I usually have relatives say things like wow you really seem ok to me, or you look fine , you look good you must be ok ! After 14 years of coping with pain without any pain relief I'd have to say I've become the champion of disguise . They can't see bloody guts and immediately assume I am fine. They have no clue I have been suffering in silence . For many years .
When my mom ended up in the hospital for an entire week some of my relatives were talking about genetics and how this daughter has a sore finger and how trigger finger runs in the family and another relative says her finger is sore and sometimes it's hard to bend it . I sat there quietly , said absolutely nothing . I'm thinking to myself , are they kidding me ? Are they that forgetful or are they self self absorbed ? No they didn't forget , I drove in the car with them and used my handicap plaque so I didn't have to walk as far , and my scooter wouldn't have fit in the ICU ! Such bizarre behavior , I have no problem talking about their sore fingers and feet , or whatever hurts them but I keep quiet and I often feel hesitant and unsure about chiming in on their conversation!
I'm tired tonight , tired of pretending and acting like I'm OK. I'm tired of keeping it together , struggling to get through daily activities and being asked to do special tasks because I don't work and hearing how the other relatives work and are so tired . How can I respond to that ? I don't doubt they are tired . I feel as though some of them just don't want to acknowledge my reality . I'm expected to suffer in silence , alone . I have to keep up this nonsense that I'm ok and not talk about the pink elephant that is sitting on my lap for the past 14 years of my life . That I can't get up out of bed in the morning and I need a scooter to shop - maybe that's too embarrassing for them ? Maybe I embarrass them ?
