In a fog....

I get up in the morning, barely able to roll out of bed.  I slowly allow my feet to hit the ground and reach for the dresser or the bed frame to hold me up.  Sometimes my hands are so bad they wont open, or close to grab things, so I end up with bruises.  There have been days where Ive had to roll out of bed, onto the floor and have to crawl to the bathroom.  My ankles swell and no longer look like ankles, so bad I have stretch marks on them.  Ironically, I have a walker, that I sometimes have next to my bed, but I fight within myself about using it.

I wonder how I will manage to actually walk the dogs, they have to be walked, I think to myself the second I wake up.  We live in an apartment,   no place for them to go potty.  Each step I take, I  wonder how I will continue walking, and I will get maybe one block away, and wonder how I will make it back home.

I put pressure on myself,  to try and walk.  If I cannot walk I  feel like I have lost this 14 year battle. Most of the time I feel like I am walking in a fog, my memory from having chronic pain is getting bad.  Ive never had pain relief, and I fear it is taking its toll of my entire being.  I feel different than everyone else, half the time I speak I am trying to keep myself focused on the subject instead of thinking about how I am going to continue to walk, or cook, or simple things like continue to have a conversation.

It amazes me what I think about during one day, that most people may not think about, ever.  I see people out walking, jogging, read about my friends taking Yoga, or lifting weights, hitting the gym, taking some 60 day test to lose 20 pounds.  I find myself thinking, how lucky they are and how they dont have a clue how quickly this freedom can be snatched away from a person, the freedom to walk, to get out of bed, to wash your hair, to get dressed.   In general people say I look great, but when I look in the mirror I see this woman, who is consciously trying to stay conscious.  To blend in with the others, but in doing so, the enjoyment of life is often gone.  I am so focused on feeling good and looking the same as everyone else, I lose track of what is being said, I cant focus on topics, and I find myself drifting away trying to continue to smile, to speak and appear to have it altogether.  I get lost in conversation, all the time.  I say things I really dont mean, because I feel like I am just trying to stay afloat.  What I want to say is in my head, I just cant seem to get it out.

I realized I sigh a lot, my oldest son had thought I was annoyed with something we were doing together, and I had to think about what he said,  while my husband answered saying, she is in pain.  I hate this part of myself, the part that cant seem to keep up with an entire day.  I am sighing because of the pain, trying to continue to function and really wanting to be part of the commotion, the cooking, the talking and enjoyment.

Chronic, uncontrolled pain, meaning I do not take any drugs for pain, really has taken a lot from me, and I feel angry about that.